"What are the conditions necessary for personal change or transformation?"
I once joined a group of psychotherapists who were studying the Pali Canon, the earliest extant Buddhist writings. Jack Engler joined us to lead the discussion one day. I knew Jack by reputation. He had trained with spiritual masters in India. He was a PhD who had conducted psychological studies of meditation. He had co-authored books on consciousness with people of the stature of Ken Wilbur. So I was eager to meet and converse with him in person.
He opened the discussion with this simple question, "What are the conditions necessary for personal change or transformation?"
How would you answer that question? Anyone want to take a shot at it?
. . .
From all his years of practice, training and study, Jack Engler feels there are only two universally necessary conditions.
The first is the capacity to grieve. In any change there is loss. There are things left behind. If we can't let go of the past, it is impossible to move on in a deep and meaningful way. The capacity to grieve is part of the capacity to let go.
For example, I used to be chronically depressed. For over twenty years I fought it using therapy, meditation and body work. When I finally broke out of the grip of chronic depression, I could not help but wonder how different my life would have been had I not had to fight the condition. To be sure, I had earned degrees, gotten married, raised a family, worked and so forth. But I had put so much time and energy into breaking free. What if I had been able to put all that into music, writing, child rearing, career, my marriage or a hundred other things? My life would have been very different.
I could never recover those years. What was lost was lost. There was nothing I could do to change that past.
In order to move forward, I had to to release that regret. Grieving those lost years was the only way.
Last month I spoke from this pulpit about forgiveness. Afterward a number of people asked me about self-forgiveness. How could they forgive themselves for the bad things they had done to themselves over the years?
My answer was basically the same: first you have to grieve over it. Once you can truly grieve, forgiveness starts to flow quite naturally.
Even if the change you are making is something you've yearned for, even if what you are leaving behind is something you'd like to get rid of, there has to be the capacity to soften and release the past. Sorrow may not always arise. But you need the ability to embrace sorrow if it does arise.
So the first condition necessary for change or transformation is the ability to grieve.
Any thoughts about the second condition?
. . .
According to Jack Engler, the second prerequisite for change is to be witnessed. We humans seem to be able to withstand just about anything as long as we are not alone in it. We Unitarian Universalists pride ourselves in our independence and self-direction. All of us have a need for solitude, quiet and time away from the maddening crowd. But deep change and transformation is much easier if we are not completely alone in our process.
A good witness might be a spiritual teacher, minister, therapist or counselor. It can also be a friend, colleague, partner or Ministry Circle. The credentials for the witness are not important. What is important is to feel seen and heard and understood by another person.
In my years of working as a psychotherapist, it was quite humbling that 85% of my brilliant interpretation and advise just got in the way.
The influential English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott put it somewhat dryly: "We make interpretations for our patients in order to demonstrate for them the limitations of our understanding."
Good psychotherapy training gives therapists enough confidence so they can relax so the don't fell compelled to demonstrate their limitations. They don't feel compelled to advise.
I found that I did my best work when I had no idea what was going on with a client or what they should do. This not knowing helped me listen more deeply.
Most of us already know what we need to do to change and grow. We may not know that we know. Our innate wisdom may be bottled up or hidden deep inside. But it's there.
You can feel the truth of this by recalling times when someone said something that was very helpful. You heard their words and said, "Wow. You're right!"
How did you know they were right? Was it because they had a diploma on the wall? Was it because they spoke with an authoritative, deep voice, like James Earl Jones? Or was it because you instinctively knew they were on to something?
Where did that instinctive knowing come from? You had the wisdom inside you already. Their words were a catalyst. Something woke up inside: "Aha!"
So, how do we wake up that wisdom inside another person? The greatest help is deep, sensitive listening. When you listen to a friend speak about her struggles, you listen from a different perspective than hers. You have two sets of ears listening to one soul. Sometimes you probe a little if you don't understand. Sometimes you reflect back what you hear.
The capacity to reflect back something that resonates so deeply does not come out of a storehouse of ideas in your brain. It comes from the capacity to listen openly to what you hear.
In fact, for many people, just to be able to explain to someone else what is going on for them is enough for them to feel better or know what to do next.
As a therapist, there was 15% of the time when I had to intervene more assertively. But 85% of the time, my work was to listen until I could truly get what was going on.
For the last six months here at the Unitarian Universalist Society, nine of us have been developing a program that addresses that 85% of the time when what we need is a good listening ear. Maybe we are going through a job change, a life change, a child leaving home (or coming back home), times of feeling isolated or confused. Maybe we are facing some existential questions and it would be helpful to have two sets of eyes looking at our life or two sets of ears listening to our heart.
The nine of us debated what to call this program. We deadlocked over two possibilities. One was "Lay Listening Ministry." The other was simply"Lay Ministry." We finally decided that while "Lay Listening Ministry" was more descriptive, it had so many syllables that most people would abbreviate it to "Lay Ministry" anyway.
At the end of the service this morning, we will be lay ordaining six of them into this Listening Ministry.
"Lay Ordination" sounds like a big deal. It is. So I want to say a few words about this process.
But first, let me introduce the nine of us. You'll get a chance to hear from six of them shortly. But for now, let's have them all stand up so you can begin to connect names with faces.
They are myself. And Lance Ryen and Lisa Karkoski. Lance and Lisa are our trainers and supervisors. (I will also meet with the group.) Lance and Lisa will be the main contact for the group.
The other six people are Barbara Gardner, Eileen Karpeles, David Libby, Mike Reynolds, Joan Spurling and Dick Taylor.
As I said, "lay ordination" sounds like a big term. It is. In six weeks we will be doing a full ordination for Devorah Greenstein. Lay ordination is not as big as fully ordaining someone into the professional ministry.
Full ordination is permanent and on going while lay ordination is temporary and lasts only as long as he person serves in that role. Devorah will be ordained to serve us, the denomination and the larger world. Our six will be ordained to service only our congregation and friends. Devorah's will be ordained into a multitude of ministerial roles. Our lay ordination is into only the one specific role of providing good, heartful listening.
Lay ordination is smaller than full ordination. But it is a lot bigger than hiring a gardening crew. And it has sacred aspects.
Lay ordination is an act of empowerment. We, as a congregation, empower them to serve us in a particular way. We give them this power in sacred trust.
Lay ordination has weight. It has joys and delights. But also weight. For one thing, they will be carrying information about people who speak with them. They must hold this information in confidence and speak to no one about it.
Just to be clear, there are two exceptions to confidentiality. In the rare circumstance that someone is at risk of being harmed, they must pass that information along. The other exception is their supervision group. The purpose of the supervision is not to talk about the people they serve, but to reflect on their own experience as listeners so that they can become better.
However, we understand that in talking about their experience, it is possible that information about the individuals they serve might leak into the lay ministry group. The group then carries the sacred responsibility to hold that information in confidence and share it with no one outside the group.
If they did not feel humble and a little nervous about the sacred weight of trust placed upon them, they would not be worthy of lay ordination. All of them have expressed a mixture of excitement and nervousness about this ordination.
Good.
There is a brochure available in the back which sketches out the Lay Ministry service and how to get hold of us: which is by talking to any of us, calling extension 250 at the church or emailing us at layministry@uuss.org. At some point, all requests pass through either Lance or Lisa.
One minister cannot possibly support 475 members or 650 members and friends adequately. The help and support and good heart and listening of all eight of these folks will help deepen our congregation.
I asked each of the six to say a few words to all of us.
[The six introduce themselves.]
You will find the words of ordination in your order of service. Notice that it does not read, "We, the members and friends of the Unitarian Universalist Society of Sacramento . . .". It reads simply, "We the Unitarian Universalist Society of Sacramento . . ." This morning we are speaking less as individuals and more as a single congregation. The power to ordain comes from us as a body of people.
With this intention, let us stand and say the covenant that unites us:
We, an intergenerational community,
travel together with open minds, open hearts, and helping hands.
We value justice, compassion, integrity and acceptance.
We seek spiritual growth, intellectual stimulation, caring and laughter.
To this end we pledge our time, talents and support.
And now, let us turn to the act of ordination itself. If these words do not resonate inside you, it is honorable to remain silent. If the words do resonate, I invite you to say them with resonance.
Are we ready?
We, the Unitarian Universalist Society of Sacramento
ordain you to serve as Lay Ministers.
We extend to you our trust that you will listen to us heartfully and responsibly.
We extend our gratitude for your wish to serve us in this way.
In a world that is busy, distracted, frightened or preoccupied
We often forget how healing it is just to be heard
Even when we don't know what to do to help, opening our hearts to another can by itself be healing to the one who shares and the one who listens.
May we have the patience to listen fully
May we receive what we hear with open hearts
Namaste